Sonic's X-tremely X-aggerated Misadventure
by GrayPaulineces
Summary: In this one, Sonic is an unsuccessful actor, and he wants to try his luck elsewhere and orders a cruise. But what happens when he boards the wrong ship and finds himself searching for a mysterious murderer? NOTE: All characters are extremely OOC. Based on a true game, and rated M for dark themes and strong language.
1. Preposterous Prologue

**Author's note: All events in this story are entirely fictional. All characters belong to Sega and/or Archie (unless stated otherwise), and the original concept on which this story is based belongs to Guillotine and the Glozman brothers. This story was written for entertainment purposes only and should not be treated otherwise.**

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They think they can tell me what to do. They think they can choose words for me. I can already see right away, I'm going to break all the rules. I've had enough of the reception, I've had enough of the rules. I protest against the press, and I don't care that you're dissatisfied! Everybody says "He's a megalomaniac!" they've ruined my career. The paper wrote "This is unbelievable!" and I say "Cholera!" So I left just to forget, to run away from fans. I shall not be told what to do anymore, there's a man in the audience who wants to try.

 ** _Day 1_**

I'm Sonic. Sonic the Hedgehog. I am an actor who just doesn't get the appreciation and attention he deserves. I say there are no bad actors, there are just bad receptions. They are the sole reason why I'm considered such a so-called failure in Mobius. So what did I do? I packed a suitcase and ordered a cruise to Hollywood, where my success is guaranteed. Those guys know how to appreciate someone on my level. While I'm on the ship, I could enjoy myself with some fresh tea and such, or perhaps even get a little tan.

And so the taxi drops me near the harbor and I start following the sign leading to the ship. There it is- hey, wait a second... Robotnik 20Q? That's an interesting name for a luxury cruise to Hollywood. Oh well, if this is what the sign says, then who am I to argue? Oh of course, there's a freaking line! Come on, isn't there a line for VIP's? I'm an actor, do I really need to stand in this entire line!? Oh well, maybe I should just stand there nonchalantly and let them get impressed by my appearance. I'm just standing there, within a second someone is gonna come over and ask for an autograph. That's how it is when you're famous.

OK, this is too much.

"Hey, why isn't anyone moving? What is this, an HMO!? I'm the praised actor Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog! OK move it, move it!" I snap and just board the ship while passing everyone by. "Every minute is a huge waste and I firmly believe that I shouldn't have introduced myself, because you should already know who I am!"

"Hello!" says the captain, who looks like a crazy fat man with a mustache. "I am Captain Eggman, mwa ha ha! I'm the Eggman here! Uh... yeah, excuse me. The captain, that's it."

"Young man, take my suitcase to my room," I say.

"I have a very sharp perceptiveness, I recognize people by the first look," Eggman replied. "I shall recognize your name by the list. It's an amusing game which I play with all the guests, it's just part of the ship's amusements."

The weirdo in red looks in the list and just brings his nonsense to another level. "OK, let's start. Are you Mrs.? No, mwa ha ha! Are you... Captain Eggman? No, that's me, that's me! Mwa ha ha ha! Damn it, can't you tell me your name like a normal person!? What, am I supposed to take my eyes out on that list!?"

I can't believe he doesn't know me, I appeared on the front page all over Mobius! My name goes before me! I'm the number one star in the worlds of video-gaming and fan-fictions! I know the reception was overly negative, but that's just because there's a chain conspiracy among all the magazine companies. Oh great, now I need to introduce myself to a bunch of mustached simpletons.

"Sonic the Hedgehog. Actor, comedian, and finger-puppeteer."

"Oh yes, yes yes yes yes yes! Now I remember!" Eggman laughed while I glare at him in annoyance. "OK, what's our situation? Have we arrived already? Lift up the anchor, lower the sails," he continued and then he looked back at me. "What are you doing here again, you wanna drive me outta my mind!? Go away, uh..."

Yep, I guess that's the greeting I get instead of getting the key to my room. How can I imply about that without sounding too rude?

"This is my luck," I mutter, "every time I need the keys to my room, there just has to be a problem! That's how it goes in my life, nothing ever goes well for me with keys! A key to my room, a key to my room I need!"

"Room? I didn't know there were rooms in here," Eggman replied and took out a key. "Here, take this key and see what it opens," he chuckled before giving it to me. I guess this dumbass doesn't even know what this key opens. "Sayonara! Alpha, make holes in the walls, it's stuffy down there! Just for some air to get in!" he shouted aimlessly as he just left.

Damn, this fatso drives me nuts I could just kick down the "Welcome" sign. Of course, what drove me nuts even more was this elderly bearded fox that bumped into me and almost knocked me to the ground. He was dressed in a green cape and a green hat. With him was another fox dressed in a blue shirt, brown pants, and a red tie, but was much younger and had two tails instead of one.

"Ahhhhhh!" the bearded fox raged. "Geezer, pay attention to where you're standing! Might that not be the exact same path which I had designated for myself to pass in advance? How do you expect me to be able to march my appalling body from Point E to Point B, when your materialistic and rotten body is standing in a point, which for the sake of this discussion we shall refer to as X, and it is between the aforesaid two points which I had mentioned!?"

Just as I thought, another fool who doesn't know how to treat artists.

"You little twat, on whom do you think you're opening your mouth!?" I snapped.

"Tails! Use your skills in order to dispose of this following nuisance!" the elderly fox roared.

"But dear uncle," said the younger two-tailed fox, otherwise known as Tails I suppose, "my skills are summed up by feeding silkworms only."

"So think of him as a silkworm, Tails!" his uncle boomed.

Tails then does a weird gesture with his hand towards me, which left me with the question whether I should be offended or disgusted from this. Either way the only expression I have in my face is that of a WTF.

"Ts-ts-ts-ts-ts... Perhaps do you want a strawberry leaf?" the weirdo asks. Was he being serious or not? Either way I can only guess he did not like his uncle's response.

"Nincompoop! Moron! Useless apprentice!"

"Wait, let me get this straight, are you two some sort of comedian duo?" I ask sarcastically. "I've got experience in this, consult with me and I'll help you."

"Funny man, you are blocking my way!" the uncle responded.

"You have demanded him handsomely, uncle," Tails replied to him.

"I've got time, if it's up to me, we can stand here all day!" I muttered. "In fact, for this entire story! What do I care? The main thing is that I'm seen!"

"Uncle, perhaps should I try using a labial expression which my ear had received during a visit at the retailer's store?" Tails asked.

"Let us hear it," his uncle approved.

"Fudge off, get outta my sight, you garbage!" the two-tailed idiot poorly snapped at me. "You damned! Son of a ditch!"

"Tails, is this what you learn when I send you to the retailer's store to purchase lackmus paper and millimetric measuring containers!?" the elderly fox glared.

"Yes, my dear uncle," Tails responded innocently.

"I actually like this. Son of a ditch!" the uncle gloats so-called triumphantly at me.

"Forget it, I was just pulling off a scene on you," I replied in exhaustion. "That's how I am, I'm an actor! What am I supposed to do, waste my entire vacation on talking to you? Fuck this! Forget it, you blockhead!" I add in frustration while searching for my room in this darn ship.

"Uncle, what is the definition of the word 'blockhead'?" Tails asked.

You're looking at one. The time is 8:00 AM, and now I finally have some time to search for my room. Hey, what are those binoculars? Someone must have dropped them. Let's see if there's something interesting. Meh, just two idiots sitting on a raft.

"Hey, do you know why the cemetery's hotline is always occupied?"

"Heh heh, why?"

"Because it's a cemetery, buttmunch. People are dying to get there!"

Idiots. With that out of my way, I should find my freaking room in this ship of demented fools. The key that Eggman gave me has nothing on it. Maybe I should try using it on this door that's the closest to me. Well, whaddya know? It fits! So I get in and- wait, that doesn't seem right.

"Kishkes, kishkes, in all sizes and colors! I need lots of kishkes! A lot of little kishkalakh's!"

Those words came from the mouth of an elderly grey echidna with strange looking black eyes, and he was just walking around talking to himself. He was wearing a black robe and, strangely enough, bunny slippers. The room is similar to that of a therapist's, and I see a nametag saying "Dr. Finitevus" standing on a desk. This entire room also seems like you're inside a painting by Salvador Dali.

He then noticed me. "Wait, who are you? What did you even come for?" he asked me. "What do I care!? Gewalt! Du hast mich! Hier kommt die Sonne! Whaddya want? Decide quickly! If you don't decide within drei, zwei, eins..."

I had to think of a response as soon as possible, who knows what this psycho could do to me? "Tell me you psycho, may I sit on the patients' couch?"

"Sit on the couch and quit peeking at my bunnies!" Finitevus responded. "You're depleting their ego, you have ruined their alter-ego along with their libido!"

I just lie down on the couch and prepare for what this lunatic is planning. I guess he's not the type of person who likes questions much.

"Now we shall play an association game. Garbage Drek Associatztum Reise Reise I call it," the psychiatrist says as he sits on his chair. "I say words, and you say the first thing that comes to your potato-Kopf. Un schwartze Kaputen von Schlitz!"

Yeah... totally understandable. "Uh... do an intelligence test for me, buddy."

"Are we ready?" he asks me. I'll be a smartass at first.

"Christoph Schneider!"

"Eine minute, we haven't started yet!" Finitevus snapped.

"A double-horned hoopoe!" I replied.

"I haven't started yet, dummkopf! Ich will en Beifall untergehen!"

"Grand Metropolis! No no no no no, Xenophon! Actually both of them got into my head at the same time," I said nervously.

"Bunnies, ich habe keine Lust," Finitevus sighed, and then he shouted: "We're starting now! Miter!"

OK, now we're starting for real. Somehow I still feel like giving him a challenge.

"Dr. Seuss!"

"Bitte... Sehnsucht versteckt..." Finitevus muttered to himself and wrote something in his notebook. "Sweden!"

Time for more nonsense. "Dr. Seuss again!"

"Bitte, bitte, bestrafe mich..." Finitevus wrote something again. "Pickaxe!"

Now here's my catch. "Pickaxe!"

"Lemon acid! Achtung, nicht lemonade," the psychiatrist says.

This one is obvious. "Pyrosis!"

"Interesting, interesting. Porridge!" Finitevus shouts.

"Just Seuss, without the Dr," I chuckle.

Finitevus then gets up from his chair and writes some more baloney in his notebook. "Alright then, let me just put all the sums together, deduct an additional tax, add two eyes... and cough selfishly!" he says and coughs obscenely. "And laugh an evil laugh accompanied by lightning! Ahhhh ha ha ha ha haaaa!"

Lightning effects indeed appear outside, oddly enough.

"OK, I see that... you have no intelligence at all! Nicht intelligenzum! Extremely vacuum! A total moron, a complete oilem goilem!"

"Ah, damn it! I actually came here with a good feeling," I mutter. "Is there a winter date?"

"And now for something happier," Finitevus grins, and suddenly pulls out a knife! "KISHKES!"

I have no choice but to scream in terror and run while this psycho chases me with his knife. "Little kishke! I'll take out your kishke! The kishke!" he laughs maniacally.

I was too focused on running that I just didn't notice where I was running, and I accidentally ran into Finitevus' electric chair and found myself sitting on it. Finitevus then pulls a handle and activates some weird force, which... felt a bit nice.

"I see you want more," the psychiatrist grins, "so let's do that association game again, but with eins little twist! Miter!"

"Uh... tuberculosis!" I said nervously. Then Finitevus presses a button and the force gets stronger. OK, now my head feels a bit odd. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"After each question, I shall increase the power!" Finitevus snickers. "Sweden!"

"S-Swedes!" I replied intuitively. The force becomes stronger after Finitevus presses the same button again, and now my head hurts.

"How original," the echidna sighs. "Pickaxe!"

Thinking is starting to get harder at this point. "A Swedish miter!" I pant. Finitevus presses the same button once again and now I'm feeling like my head is going to explode.

"Lemon acid!" said Finitevus. "Achtung-"

"Enough, enough! I can't handle this anymore!" I shout and get off the chair. "I'm so dizzy, somebody call an ambulance! Uhhhhhhhhh...!"

"Hey... hey Sonic, are you OK?" Finitevus asked me. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it..."

* * *

At this point I don't really remember what happened. The next thing I see is a note from the director, stating I've fainted and just once scene was done by my understudy instead. Stay tuned until the next chapter when I get better.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. Keytar Zero

Oh damn it, that was definitely shocking. This insane echidna psychiatrist sure is fond of electrocutions. And kishkes. One thing for sure, I'm never doing that thing again. I received another note from the director, stating that I've undergone an hour and a half of CPR, and that the key which Eggman gave me was not the one I need. I should have figured it out on my own after accidentally stumbling upon Dr. Kishke.

The clock now says 9:30 AM, and now I'm back in business again. Good thing my album of rocker animal cards is unharmed. As a compensation for what happened, one of those cards was attached to my note. This one was the Southern Parkway Driver Gnorc. Yes, they come in tons of variations. My note also says that I can find those cards in random places on the ship. And here's another one, right next to the wheel of the ship's posterior. Oh my, that's Roberto Diablo's Fire Imp! Alright, that's already 27 out of 61. Yes, my album has already been almost half full when I got here.

Now I must find this fat slime ball and get the key to my freaking room. I never thought that obtaining a single key would be that much of a burden. I am now in the middle of the ship and I'm standing between two doors. One of them is sealed shut, but the other one was open, and it says "Engine Room". Hopefully someone can help me there.

I enter the engine room and see another echidna. However, he was red, slightly muscular, and he was wearing blue overalls, a cyan shirt, a red bandana around his neck, and a blue hat. He was just standing there and reading a newspaper. He put it down once seeing me, though by the look on his face I couldn't tell whether he was mad or amused by my presence. That nonchalance I mentioned in the prologue? That's what I'm talking about.

"Hey hey hey, what do you think you're searching for here?" the echidna asked in a cynical yet firm tone. "This is Knuckles the Echidna's personal kingdom, here there are only soot work and machine oil. You have nothing to search for here!"

Well, I can't say it wasn't predictable. Just another assmunch who's just there to piss me off. But at the same time he's trying to sound so sophisticated. I think it's time to reply with an even more sophisticated response.

"What I'm searching for here is my business and not yours!" I snapped. "And besides, what are YOU searching for here!?"

"What you need to ask yourself is if Knuckles the Echidna is a tolerant person," Knuckles grinned. "No he's not! Hand me over those pliers over there."

Even if the sun becomes a square, I'm not doing it. I'm an actor, not a carrier! Time for one of my aimless callings!

"Woah, there's someone here who needs help! Can't anyone come and help!? He needs pliers, so you hand over pliers to him, nothing will happen to you! I tell you, some people."

"DING DONG!" shouted a familiar voice from an intercom near Knuckles. "Knuckles, the ship has stopped working, mwa ha ha ha!"

Eggman.

"Meh, the only thing that stopped working is his brain," Knuckles chuckled.

"Hey hey hey, what kind of behavior is this? Is that how you speak to your captain!?" I snap at Knuckles. I bet this snob never knew I had the balls to stand up to him.

"What you need to ask yourself is not how I talk, but how I behave!" Knuckles responded in a combination of anger and nonchalance and knocked me to the ground with a punch. "Much worse!" he added.

I get up in slight pain and walk back to Knuckles while thinking of a different response. "Don't think I'm a tattletale, but right now I'm gonna tell him what you said."

"Don't bother, I'll tell him myself," the muscular douche responded and walked towards the intercom. "The only thing that has stopped working is your brain!" he boomed into the intercom, gloating.

"So fix it!" Eggman snapped back via the intercom. "Fix it! That's why I'm hiring a dishwasher! Nobody can expect me to do everything, so go live with your parents, see if I care! Knuckles, are you still there!? The ship has stopped working!"

Knuckles just stood there nonchalantly as usual. Now I have to make him feel like I'm putting him back in line. "Tell me you little farfalle, why aren't you answering the captain!?"

Knuckles punched me again and responded: "Knuckles the Echidna does not tend to reply to the term 'farfalle'. Let me phrase this in a way you might understand: if you call me 'farfalle' one more time, I will break your head! What you need to ask yourself is who is more important here – the captain or Knuckles the Echidna!"

"What you need to ask yourself is if it was a smart move of you when you bitchslapped me, or if it was a folly which you are about to pay for! Woah ho ho, you are completely going to pay for this!" I boomed.

"Knuckles! Knuckles, where are you!?" Eggman called from the intercom again. "What? Are you playing humorous games with me? Homer, come and eat the forbidden donut! Hello, hello? Oh, those cellulululur phones, they're not worth anything! Hello, you've reached a number that only exists in your imagination. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep! Beep! Beep! Tweet! Knuckles!? Hey Knuckles, this is the captain speaking. The engine had stopped working! Call me, huh? Beep, beep! Knuckles, answer me! I'm dying, I'm dead! Nah."

"I shall answer him when I want to," Knuckles smirked. "If you like, answer him yourself," he told me. Sounds like a good idea to mess up with the captain myself. At least one positive thing came out of this bullcrap with Knuckles. Watch as I overpower Knuckles' nonsense with my own!

"Watch as I display my humorous acting talent," I say. "We're in an emergency, the water is penetrating everywhere! Blook blook blook, I'm choking, blook blook khhhhhh, blook blook khhh khhh blook!"

"Mwa ha ha, then I'm sending you my handkerchief via the pipe, you can soak the water with it," Eggman laughed. "It's a bit used up, mwa ha ha ha ha! Just return it to me, yes?"

Somehow a used handkerchief did make it through the pipe. Strange. This wasn't as fun as I expected it to be.

"Like I said earlier, I am not a tolerant person," Knuckles said as I walk away from the intercom, "but since you refer to yourself as an actor, I am obliged to show you how the thing is performed. Name me an impersonation to perform."

Alright, this is going to be something! Too bad I left my camera at home. For someone like Knuckles I tried purposely to think of ridiculous stuff that he can't possibly even dream of imitating. I'll show him he's not that much of a smartass as he portrays himself. What he needs to ask himself is if his own brain is more prone to malfunctioning than Eggman's.

"Princess Zelda and the Fighting Polygon Team!" I declare.

Knuckles begins his impersonation and takes a plastic Smash Ball out of nowhere. "Two seconds till the end, Zelda with the Smash Ball, 'Take that you worthless fuddy-duddies!' And she fires her Light Arrow and misses! 'Oh I missed, fuck it!' And the Fighting Polygon Team wins!"

"Meh, unreliable and inconvincible!" I mutter in response. "The Fighting Polygon Team isn't such a good team."

"What is the Fighting Polygon Team anyway?" Knuckles asked.

"What is this, what is that, what am I, Wikipedia? What am I, the guy with the glasses on YouTube?" I reply before choosing another impersonation for Knuckles. "An impersonation of someone from the Beatles, I don't mind who."

"What's a Beatle anyway?" Knuckles asked. OK, he has just proved himself to be even dumber than he looks.

"W-wh-wha-what do you think it is, some kind of cockroach!? The Beatles were one of the most successful bands ever, you uncultured swine!" I boomed.

Now I'm going to choose something very hallucinatory for him to impersonate as punishment for this shenanigans. "An impersonation of a salesman of screws of 2 inches of thickness for connecting heavy metals and tinfoil."

"You're kidding," Knuckles replied in confusion.

"Well of course I'm kidding!" I snapped. "2-inch screws cannot connect heavy metals and tinfoil! Now impersonate Seinfeld!"

"What you need to ask yourself is what's the deal with all those impersonations," Knuckles snickered, thinking he's some kind of genius while he clearly isn't. I think I've wasted enough time here, I still have my own room to unlock.

"What you need to ask yourself is whether I'm interested in continuing this conversation with you or not, and the answer is no, I'm not! I'm outta here!" I respond angrily and leave the room.

Speaking of the key, I think the current key I have might be the answer to why Eggman claimed that the ship's engine had stopped working. I walk up the stairs to the ship's next floor, and on my way I find a card of the Gore Flamingoes of Chino. That was unexpected, but cool. The captain's room is probably on the highest floor, so I go up the next set of stairs and prepare myself to give Eggman a little bollocking.

Somehow the door was open, and as I enter I see Eggman doing an impersonation of a monkey. While it's a total waste of time and annoying, this outmatched any of Knuckles' impersonations.

"Yes, who are you? What do you want? What are you looking for here?" Eggman asked me after he finished his two-second monkey show. "Why aren't you at school, kiddo? WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME SO MANY QUESTIONS!? Would you like a fruit cocktail? Today at 3 PM! What...?"

I have no time for those stupid games, damn it! "Tell me, you little... fuddy-duddy! Are you going to give me the key to my room, or do I need to continue running around like a fusspot and searching for a matching lock!?"

"I just mean that it doesn't go right," the annoyance replied, "the thought runs away every time. Whoops, here! It ran away again! Wait, don't get out without an umbrella! Who knows how many madmen there are?" Eggman then returned his attention back to me. "What did I want to say? Something related to the letters N and Z? Maybe nz? But what does it mean?"

Before I could answer any of these ridiculous questions, Eggman snatches the key from my hand. "Why the hell did you take the ship's engine key from me!?" he snapped. "Are you sane? Mwa ha ha ha, here, you see!? It gets in here!" he said and put the key in his ear. "No, it's not it!" he laughed and put the key in the engine's keyhole. "Oh yes, that's it, great! The issue is solved, excellent! I'm OK. What do you two want!? I've already donated at the office."

"Give me the key to my room, you bastard!" I screamed. Eggman then again takes the engine's key! "Not this key! Give me a key to my room, before I break all your bones! Did you hear me!?"

"I don't remember having rooms in here," Eggman responded.

That's it. If threats don't do the trick, then physical action definitely will. I grab Eggman by his shirt and start shaking him.

"GIVE ME THE KEY TO MY ROOM!" I roar before knocking that ugly mass of fleshy slime to the ground.

"OK, no matter, why should I argue with you?" Eggman chuckled nervously after getting up. "Here, take this key and don't eat the entire thing with a single bite!" he added after finally giving me that cursed key. "Uh yes, this key opens everything. Have I already invited you for a fruit cocktail?"

"Yes yes yes yes yes, it's today at 3 PM, yes yes!" I muttered in frustration.

"What, really? I'll note that," Eggman responded. I can't believe this idiot can't even bother to remember his own schedule. "An appointment at Mario's barber salon so he'd make me a ponytail. Excelsior, I arranged it! Great, great, great..."

I'll just leave that idiot be and finally do something that I should have done in the previous chapter – get in my room! Good thing I peeked into the fat douche's notepad while he was talking to himself and saw where my room is located. I guess it's finally time to rest after all this senseless mess.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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 **Please review and stay tuned for more!**


	3. A Typical Third Chapter

Well, here is my room. Was it worth roaming around the entire ship and arguing with the captain just to finally get the privilege to enter my room in the most ridiculous and tedious method imaginable?

No, it wasn't.

What I need to ask myself is if what suddenly appeared in my room was worth seeing. Damn it, Knuckles' jargon is beginning to affect me!

I hear some cute humming inside my room, so what do I do? Kick the door open to surprise whoever is in there, ha ha ha!

And there was a rabbit with robotic legs, left arm, and lower torso; wearing a sexy black maid outfit. She gasped once witnessing my breathtaking entrance, which means I totally startled her!

"Oh, sugar! Ya startled me!" she said. "Ah'm Bunnie, and Ah'm just cleanin' yer room but Ah'm always open for a nice chit-chat er so."

OK... the ship's cleaner inviting me for a chit-chat or so? Well, why not? She came all the way here just to witness my glorious presence, so who am I to ruin her fun?

"Aw well no, I don't talk much," I replied, "but on the other hand, you can't know. You can always talk to me about it."

"Bon Jovi Bon Scott, y'all ain't as smart as Ah thought!" Bunnie responded. "So Ah'll just clean windowpanes elsewhere! So long, y'all!"

"So what am I supposed to do, clean the windowpanes myself!? This is not how actors get paid, you know! What is this, the prequel to Karate Kid's prequel's prequel!?" I snapped. "What, do you think I'm built for all your whims!? I'm an actor, I've got whims of my own!"

By the unintelligible expression on her face, it seems that Bunnie didn't understand a word of what I said. Time for an unprepared-for Plan B.

"Hold on a sec, I have a dictionary for Southern slang," I say as I flip it out of my pocket. "I'm Sonic the Hedgehog, an actor who... can, uh... be easily fit to be tied with a... yes, a darn tootin' success! The captain, he completely egged on me to roam around this entire ship just to get that fucking key! He sure made me as mad as a hissing cobra."

OK OK, I wasn't looking at the dictionary with the last one. But what can I say? Cobras are awesome, especially the one in my rocker animal album, Fred's Golden Tryclyde. OK, I know it's not really a cobra, but you know what I mean.

"Oh, so you're an actor!" Bunnie laughed. "Y'all remind me of Crash Bandicoot! If ya gimme a chance to star in yer next big thing, Ah'm gonna clean yer windowpanes! And Ah'll be runnin' like an athletic jackrabbit to give the sugah something to drink. Perhaps carrot juice? Mah favorite, sugar! Tee hee hee!"

Aw, how cute. "Give me some carrot juice, please. Shaken, not stirred."

"Aw, excelsior! Ah'm already a fan of sugar even if sugar isn't as intelligent as I thought," the cyborg rabbit said.

"Intelligent, intelligent!? You think Doctor Cortex was such a nuclear scientist? Besides, I don't like playing an anthropomorphic marsupial in PlayStation games much," I replied, "I prefer playing roles with more depth. For example, playing a porridge bowl in one of my earlier productions back in my elementary school days. Even back then my indisputable talent had revealed itself. Here, let me demonstrate."

You guys might want to get popcorn for this.

"'I'm a porridge bowl, come and eat from me, kids! Eat till satiation!' It's a bit psychedelic, but it's real theater."

"Great, now Ah'll be hurryin' like a crazy train, Ah'll clean yer windowpanes some other time," Bunnie responded. Seems like she can't handle my magnificent acting skills, so she made her way out of my room.

"Wait, what do you think about the porridge bowl? Was it convincing? Do you think it's possible to develop it into a musical play?" I asked. "Hey, what the fuck!? What about my carrot juice!? You won't see a tip from me!" I snapped and slammed the door. And just as I was about to take a nap after all this mess, I heard a knock on the door.

"Hello? Is someone there?" said a childish voice. Uh, why now!? All I want is a rest, is it really too much to ask for!? I instinctively opened the door, even though I knew I was going to regret it. A pink hedgehog in a red dress entered my room.

"Oh my, by Toutatis! I can't believe it's really you! Your honor, your honor! I can't believe it! I can't believe it!" she squeaked. "I thought I saw you on the deck, but I wasn't sure! Oh my goodness! Is it really you? Are you sure you're you? What, is it you? Your honor, the big star!"

Is she done? Maybe I should wait a few seconds just to make sure.

"Listen missy, I've already donated to countless organizations, I'm also a well-known philanthropist aside from my irresistible acting. I even donated to the Mushroom Kingdom's Checkers Players' Guild!" I shouted. "So I'm going to close this door, count to three, and when I open, I only want to see the sea's breeze! Did you get that!?"

I push her out and close the door. "THREE!" I roar and open the door again.

"There's a misunderstanding here-"

Door closed again.

"Let me explain!"

And again.

"You don't understand!"

Persistent, isn't she?

"Would you stop that!?"

Get a life!

"Gruntilda!" How did _she_ get in front of my door!? Oh wait, she's gone.

"Ha! I fooled ya!" the pink hedgehog gloated as she invaded my room again. "Thanks, say hi to Mingy Jongo for me!" Then she turned to me. "I'm telling you, this game that shares your name, what an amazing game! I never stopped laughing for a moment! That point where you fell into the water, it made me ROFL! I had kidney pain, I couldn't get up an entire week! By my pupils, how many sequels are you going to make?"

Am I the only one that notices a particular logical fallacy around here? At least I can know that I'm not the weakest link around here. I'll pretend to ignore that.

"Thank you, thank you, you're underestimating me," I smirked, "I deserve so much more than that. By the way, did you see what they wrote about me? I just might happen to carry it with me," I add and take out a piece of paper. "It's written here that I'm megalomaniac! Does that make sense to you!? Does it!?"

"You? Megalomaniac? You're the last person I'd suspect!" the pinky chuckled. "I'd accuse Pacman, but not you! Would you really do that?"

"Enough, enough, just shut up! You gave me a huge-ass headache. Last man, Pacman, Scatman, did I even ask you to comment? Did I? No no, tell me! Tell me, I'm waiting to hear! Tell me, I'm waiting! Did I ask you anything!? Did I ask you to answer!? What, no! I'm waiting, come on! Why aren't you answering!?" I snapped.

"Y-you asked..."

"Again, why are you replying!? Did I talk to you!? Did I turn to you!? Shut up, enough, enough! Just shut the hell up! Enough!"

Damn it, why does it take me so long to make myself clear? Maybe I should stop, her gasp probably indicates that she's already got my point. But then she starts smiling again, oddly enough. Well, I am a rather charming individual after all.

"So, about those sequels..." she starts talking again.

"Ah, why are you talking with me about national productions? You can't progress here in Mobius, everyone just keeps stepping on you every time!" I respond. "In Nights into Dreams, I was asked to play as one of Wizeman's left hands, I was invited to play a cow in Earthworm Jim, the next Tekken? That's me! FIFA 4000? I'm the ball! Microsoft offered me to play as an error message in Windows 42! I might even get invited to play as a used brick in Tetris! Do me a favor, don't scramble my brain with national productions, it's killing me from the inside!"

"Oh wait, tell me, tell me! What happened to that robot eventually? Did it get repaired or is it true what I read on the internet that his jetpack was destroyed in a blender? Oh also, your honor, my name's Amy! I'm a huge fan of yours!" the pink hedgehog giggles. Well, that's an interesting timing to finally reveal who she is.

"I ordered the room in the upper floor so I could drill a hole in my floor and talk to you about your games all night long!"

Tell me this isn't true! Please!

"Listen, I didn't like that prank with Gruntilda, call her here for a sec," I replied. Amy exits my room and comes back with that green witch out of the blue.

"What, why did you drag me all the way here? It's almost time for my daily beer!" she says.

"No, this thing with you suddenly getting in here was completely uncalled for. Are you kidding me? Do you want me to kid with you back? No, tell me! Tell me! TELL ME!" I shout.

"So, you didn't like my little dare?" Gruntilda muttered insolently. "Go ahead and leave, see if I care!"

"Well, I really am going! Find yourselves a different actor! It's only three chapters into this story and you've already made my blood flow into my head! To hell with all of you!" I snap and make my way out. That'll show them, I'll show them that they need me more than I need them.

"He'll be back, so the story's still on track," Gruntilda sighed.

Damn, she's good. "I'm back, what am I, a sucker? Why should I go? You two go away! Away with you, varmints!" I snap again as I kick those two out. "And Gruntilda, don't mess up with me again, ya hear me!? I have connections from here to Wumpa Island! One blink from me and you shall find yourself peeking into garbage cans! Kapeesh!?" I add and close the door. Ah, finally some rest.

* * *

12 PM already? Wow, that was a nice rest. I was thinking, since I have a key that opens everything (at least according to Eggman's words), I might as well let all the guests know that a true VIP is here.

I'll try the room that's just on the other side of this wheel. Hmm, the room's interior rather fancy. Well, maybe not fancy, but... exotic perhaps? Aye, maybe I'm not so good with describing stuff in just one word, but let's just say this room is filled with lots of witchery-related stuff, from miniature skulls, weird decorations, dark curtains, strange-looking pictures and miniature statues, and even a cauldron. At the end of the room sits a purple cat in front of a table with a large crystalline jewel on it. I'll just express my nonchalance with this following statement.

"Listen, I have the key to all the rooms, so I'm going to enter this room whenever I feel like it!" I say. "I'm an actor, I have whims! So be dressed, because I don't want any scenes! You hear me!?"

The cat nods nervously as I walk towards her table. She's wearing a purple outfit and she has a red orb on her forehead. "Hazy maze, my name is Blaze," she says.

"Can I get a menu here?" I ask.

"10 rings for fortune telling via my Sol Emerald, VAT not included," says Blaze, "15 rings for palm-reading to reveal personal details, but 15 for each hand, and 20 rings for a séance."

Well, screw those prices. Even though I already started my journey with 1000 rings, this is still exaggerated. Meh, what the hell.

"I'll go for fortune telling with this crystal whatchamacallit," I say.

"Sol Emerald, Ella Fitzgerald, reveal the future of this mortal, otherwise thou shalt find thyself in the junkyard!" the cat declares.

"Hey, you won't talk to me like that! Is that clear!? It's the last time I'm taking you with me, you bitch!" a voice suddenly came out of this crystal thingy. "And you, take your future, you punk! A triangle!"

"A triangle!" Blaze gasped in shock. "Oh my, it's terrible! Oy vey zmir! Chocolate starfish and hot-dog flavored water! Jumpdafuckup! Roots bloody roots! Oh my dear Cicero, anything but a triangle!"

OK, this is starting to sound like a huge waste of time. "A triangle?" I ask while searching for a microphone inside this crystal ball that doesn't even look like a ball. "This probably means I might become a system embedder in a high-tech company, and I might choke from a triangular chocolate bar next Halloween! Or perhaps a triangular mozzarella stick! I'd better watch out for both of them..."

"Ah, chicken and rice, black ice! A triangle only means one thing – thou shall meet a non-friendly geometry teacher!" Blaze responded.

"Oh, could you arrange me a meeting with the CEO of Nightopia?" I ask.

"In your dreams, a geometry teacher is all that's left in stock!" the crystal thingy snapped. "Don't want? Don't need!"

"OK... what can you do with reading from the palm of my hand?" I ask.

Blaze takes my hand and examines it. "Hocus pocus, volcano lotus, I see that you're married, with five kids and a frog!"

"Oh, can I show you pictures of them?" I reply while flipping out some of my drawings just to fool her. "Here, these are Gary, Larry, these are the twins Barry and Harry, and this is the little one Ed."

"Aw, I only wish good health for them," Blaze giggled.

"And here's the frog, Sally. Oh wait, that's my wife," I chuckle.

"Tell me, what do you give them to eat?" Blaze asks. "Recently I have been dissatisfied with mashed potatoes. It made my cousin glow in purple blinding light all night just after two spoons of this thing!"

"You moron, I've been pulling your leg all along! I don't give a damn to anyone! You fell in the garbage can I set up for you!" I gloat. " _You fell in the garbage, you fell in the garbage!_ And this only proves that this entire palm-reading thing is just one huge load of baloney!"

I totally fooled her, just look at how pissed off she is! The kitty quickly grabs my other hand and snarls: "Give me your other hand, your death shall be quick and painless! I shall now predict your financial status!"

It might decrease significantly if this feline weirdo keeps throwing away all my rings into her own wallet. I'm already building up an amazing exit line.

"I see you have a small family business," Blaze said, "of lacey hexagon cloning for building purposes!"

"That's not a thing! That's not even a thing!" I snapped.

"And I see you're most likely to have some problems!" the kitty snickers. "Do you have a greenish fiberglass boat?"

"What boat? I just have a Styrofoam surfboard, I can throw it into the water whenever I want to. It can also float if you want it to," I respond nonchalantly.

"Anything else?" Blaze smiles. "Perhaps a séance just for the nuance? Only 20 rings per deceased."

I think I've wasted enough time with this fraudster. It's just about time for my line.

"Ha! Your prices are outrageous! You're not even worth spit! But seeing as I'm such a generous person by nature, here!"

I spit on the floor and just leave the room. Someone else on this ship desperately needs me.

TO BE CONTINUED...

 **Author's note: Gruntilda belongs to Rare. Please review and stay tuned for more!**


	4. Shattered, But Not Broken Yet

Damn, who'd have thought one annoying cat could blurt out so much garbage in one scene? Someone should have put her back in the sack before she boarded this ship. All this load of nonsense sure made me hungry. At least there's a dining room nearby. Even though I'm barely five hours on this ship, I already know I shouldn't expect anything too fancy about the food. And by that I mean the food tasting like my ass after a bad fur day. I'm an actor, I can't let that kind of stuff happen to me.

On second thought, the dining room actually looks pretty good! I see several pots with hot meals and plates with salads and cheeses, and slices of cold meat as well. For now I'll just settle with a chili-dog. Which... actually tastes good! Seems like I've underestimated this ship after all, at least there's one good thing here. I'll just take another chili-dog and make my way out. And now to continue my quest of bothering more guests.

Now I'll try the room in the left corner of the front side of the ship. OK, maybe it was a mistake. It's the annoying fox duo. The elderly one was tinkering with some weird robot thing, while the two-tailed mutant was just standing there as if this dictator didn't let him do anything else.

"Uncle," he called, "a foreign entity is standing in our doorstep threshold. Ought I to ask it what it might request?"

"Tails, get rid of this bacteria mixture in any way you find fitting!" the uncle responded firmly.

"Entity entity, please dissipate in the compound of the fresh air," the uncle's pet said to me.

"The last person who had asked me to dissipate found himself in a hospital!" I snapped. "He was a doctor, and he chased me with a needle in the size of raw spaghetti! He keeps chasing me to this day! And... Actually I came here to shove my nose into your personal business. Who are you? What do you do? How much money do you have in your bank account? Everything interests me, you know."

"Ha! How do you expect me to bother nominating, explaining, and setting your ear to hear about my haul of discoveries, researches, and degrees?" muttered the elderly fox. "If you request the essence of events for the sake of the discussion, then this is my talented nephew, Tails. Tails, introduce yourself to this garbage rat that came to visit us."

"Hello garbage rat, my name is Tails, a talented pupil," said his mutated nephew. "I shall work to contribute my part to the world of science."

"And my name is Doctor Merlin Prower!" the uncle added. "In addition, I must cite that I do not engage in humanoid pain, but in robotics."

For Dio's sake, how do I make them stop!? Let's try something.

"This is very interesting and all, but actually I wanted to ask, could I borrow Tails from you for a game of paddles?" I asked.

"Yes, yes! A game of paddles!" Tails cheered. "The last one that arrives is... a patty."

"Tails, you are a patty even without arriving last!" Merlin snapped angrily.

"Uncle, uncle," Tails begged, "my spirit seeks the freedom!"

"This spirit of mischief always ends up badly!" shouted Merlin firmly. "For the sake of this discussion, we shall take your brother, Bumblefeet. One day he started joking around with me with practical jokes, until I had no choice but to nail him to the bathroom and set the building on fire as an educational punishment!"

Oh, poor kid. He only wants to have some fun. Apparently my mind was right about his uncle not letting him do anything.

"Hey doofus, do you know with whom you have the honors?" I suddenly asked. I don't know why, but it just came out.

"Yeah, sure," Tails replied, "you're from this video-game. Wow, I really loved that part wh-"

"Tails, for the sake of this discussion, what by all the squirrels do you think you're doing!?" Merlin shouted with a glare.

"Exchanging experiences with the foreign entity, uncle," responded Tails indifferently.

"Cease engaging in chattering! You haven't yet completed the task of ordering the paperclips by size, color, and manufacturing country which I have assigned you!" Merlin exclaimed. Damn, he's not letting the kid live! "What is the thing similar to? A lab rat that decides to try its luck in real estate businesses."

"Uncle, maybe said rat is competent in engaging in two businesses simultaneously," said Tails.

"Maybe the rat is, but you are not! Get rid of this scum assembly!" the angry old bastard responded.

"Scum assembly," Tails turned to me, "I must return to ordering my uncle's paperclips."

"Excuse me doc, but this degenerate nephew of yours keeps making faces at me!" I shouted.

"Tails, I command you to cease this reckless behavior!" Merlin roared.

Maybe I annoyed them enough. It seems like this old madman wants to get rid of me as soon as he can. On second thought, I think I'll go away whenever I want to. I have another little joke up my sleeve.

"I have a riddle in geometry which I happened to hear in some old radio show and I couldn't stop it, oh it was horrible!" I said.

Tails then does some calisthenics, probably as an alternative form of preparing for such questions. "One, two, three, etcetera, and the square root of something powered by something else..." he mumbled to himself. This gave me some time to rehash this riddle.

"OK, it kind of goes something like this," I say. "A plumber fills up a-"

"Kind of!? What do you mean kind of!?" Merlin suddenly boomed.

"What am I, Oxford!? Look up the entries 'kind' and 'of' in the dictionary!" I retort. "And while you're at it, take a look at the entry 'Go to fucking hell' as well!"

This bastard cut off my thinking cord! Good thing I have a backup plan.

"A motorbike rider travels from Mobius to New Junk City while waving one of his hands all the way to his friend, Hugh Janus," I explained. "In contrast, the Rock N' Roll Train drives in a TOTALLY HYSTERICAL velocity! I don't quite remember the number, but anyways, to how many parts would the motorbike rider split up?"

Ha, I completely boggled their minds, haven't I? Merlin looks a bit worried by my nonsensical riddle and my victorious smile, but his mutated nephew maintains his indifferent and depressing expression as usual while actually thinking of a solution to this bullshit.

"The number of coaches multiplied by the hood powered by Hugh Janus," the mutant mumbles to himself. His uncle seems to be annoyed by all this.

"The truth is that I believe in trial and error," he said and pushed his nephew, and made him push me out of the door.

"Aye."

"Aaaaaaah-" _***insert sounds of a fast-moving train and a few bumps here***_

"One, two, three, four, oh here's another one, five- five, uncle."

* * *

Don't worry, those were just sound effects. I'm OK. The production team didn't even give me any bandages to prove it. Maybe it's time to check the ship's second floor, since I had the first floor covered, and if my ears are not deceiving me, I'm probably hearing strange noises coming from one of the upper rooms. But first I'll grab another chili-dog from the dining room. And perhaps a little can of sweet corn and a glass of carrot juice as well. The same one that Bunnie had never given me.

Hmm, there's also a basement. Nah, I'll check that out on the next chapter. I'd better see what's going on with those noises from the second floor. Following those noises, like in some other production I'd been on. On my way upwards I find a card of an Artisan Slipknotted Goat. I've been searching for this one for ages.

There it is. I open the door just to see a vase getting tossed outta there!

"You crazy cow! Not the Chinese vase!" exclaimed a masculine voice, which came from a black hedgehog with black stripes. Another vase was being tossed by a female white bat who was just wearing a shiny necklace, black training pants, and a black tank top, thus exposing her tanned belly. The black hedgehog, who just had the aforementioned vase break on his face, was just wearing a black tuxedo and a red tie.

"Cholera, I'll tear your-" he said and then he noticed me and laughed. "Look darling, one of the polite ship guests has entered to greet us for a welcome!"

Well, if this wasn't a bad way to conceal a brawl, I don't know what is. Allow me to demonstrate my psychological skills from my short college days. Yes, I'm making that up. You shouldn't be surprised by now.

"Oh, you're fighting? I know that," I respond, "my mother once tossed a blender at me."

"You gotta forgive my husband, he's a bit clumsy," the bat chuckled. "The vase had slipped from his hand."

"Rouge darling, the vase never would have slipped from my hand if the television hadn't slipped from _your_ hand and fallen on my head!" the black hedgehog glared.

"Yes Shadow honey," the bat replied, "but all this never would have happened if you hadn't tried to shove me into the water from the quay with your tractor!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha," Shadow laughed, "I wasn't trying to shove you into the water, Rouge. I was trying to run you over viciously!"

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Rouge snarled in rage and tossed another vase at Shadow. How come they have enough money for all those vases? And they just use those vases for this purpose? Their life must be very miserable if that's the case.

"You gotta forgive my wife," Shadow turned to me, "she's a bit angry this morning because I had burned her uncle, Thucydides Topia."

"WHY YOU MOTHERFUC-" the bat growled, only to get cut off by her husband.

"Enough darling, let's not get mad, we have a guest," he said. "What's your name, dear?"

"'Dear' call her uncle Thucydides Topia!" I snapped at the crazy red-striped bastard.

"What a sharp-tongued varmint you are!" he chuckled at me. "Perhaps would you like to buy a burial plot with a marble tombstone from me? In these crazy days it's impossible to know when the sharp-tongues' hour should come."

OK, I think it's time to make some more use of my fictitious psychological competence. "I sense there's some tension between you two," I began. "Maybe we should start with you, Rouge. Do you feel, I mean, feel, uh... how should I phrase this? Are you feeling some sort of discomfort?"

"Discomfort? Yes there is a certain discomfort when SOMEONE TRIES TO RUN YOU OVER WITH HIS TRACTOR!" the bat screamed, spreading her wings wider than before. I never thought she had such a wingspan.

Shadow just chuckled at her and responded: "If you weren't careful to move all the time, then we wouldn't have this unpleasantness."

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Rouge growled again and guess what? She tossed another vase at Shadow! Damn, I would be a better fortune-teller than Blaze. "You gotta forgive my husband, he's suffering from migraines today," she giggled. "Perhaps would you like a glass of water, darling? I'd even sacrifice the entire jug." She then growled and tossed said jug at Shadow.

This makes me wonder how come Shadow doesn't get hurt from all this. Either he has an impressive stamina and/or immunity and/or strange recovery ability, or all those vases and jugs are fake and that would actually explain why they have so many.

Wait, the entire jug, she said? Which one exactly? And are those ones fake too? Yes, I'm having those thoughts. Those jugs are definitely fake. You guys must admit that this joke was just demanding.

"And if I'm allowed to return to my first question, who are you again?" Shadow asked me.

"WHAT!? You don't know my name!? How do you even dare to show your face in public?!" I boomed in rage. "I would be ashamed instead of you if I didn't know my name! Let me inform you that I received an extremely severe concussion from the vase you had thrown at me, which most undoubtedly ruined my entire future as a successful actor! I think I deserve an appropriate monetary compensation! Will you buy me a yacht, perhaps?"

I know the vase just barely missed me by less than a quarter of an inch, but I just want to keep pulling their leg to see if I can actually get something. You already know me. I'm an actor, I've got whims.

"Dear, why talk about money when you can talk about cardboard boxes?" Shadow answered. "Allow me to grant you an illustrated cardboard box! I place it on the water for you and it floats for an hour."

"Psssssh, really? Perhaps do you also have something for my cousin Otep and her ten children?" I ask sarcastically. "She's searching for a bachelor apartment in N. Sanity Island."

"Did you say N. Sanity Island!? Your cousin is lucky! A certain space has just been evacuated there for me!" Shadow exclaimed. "However, I'm afraid that ten children is a bit problematic. I might be able to crowd all of them inside the chimneys of Cortex's tower, Three-three-three. But we will have to get rid of the last one somehow."

Yeah... I think he was smart enough to understand I was just talking complete poppycock. I guess he isn't as stupid as I thought he was after all. That's a shame, it takes away the fun.

"So... you said you're an actor? What a coincidence, darling! I believe there's a successful actor in your family," Shadow added. "What's his name?"

"Thucydides Topia," Rouge muttered, "you had burned him this morning!" This made both me and him widen our eyes.

"A- a tragic occurrence, a tragic occurrence, darling," Shadow replied nonchalantly, and then he turned to me again. "It was nice knowing you, Mr., uh... watch out for the glass pieces on your way out."

"Get out!? Whaddya mean get out!? Finally when something interesting is going on!?" I roared. "What do you think I have to do on this stinking deck!? Those guys over there keep making me run around all the time! Go right, no, go left, ascend at the left, descent at the right, right and go up, go down on the left corner, go up on the right, the captain's room on the left and go down, go left and descend, descend to the lower deck and ascend to the upper deck! Do you really think I have energy for their whims!? Plant me to the ground and call me an apricot tree! I'm not moving!"

It seems like my constant talking did make those two assholes widen their eyes, but not for long. Now they're just glaring at me harder than before. I'll try a different tactic.

"Damn it, are you forcing me out already?" I ask. "So what about the cup? Should I glue it for you?"

"Such casualness!" Shadow cheered. "Do you need glue, sir? Her cousin, Diomedes Topia, has a glue-tube factory. Would you like to buy it? Just sign here-"

"Shadow darling," Rouge whispered to him, even though I could still hear it perfectly, "my cousin has no factory, he's been sitting in a pedestrians' street in the Bridge of Eldin and trying to fish out coins from the sewer after we dispossessed him from all his property!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha, perhaps would you like to buy the sewer in the Bridge of Eldin from me?" Shadow laughed again. "Guaranteed lifetime income, just sign here, and here! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

This is getting boring. "So... should I go?"

"If it's not too hard for you, honey," Rouge smiled. "Just watch out for those glass shards in the entrance. My dear husband will escort you out."

And in a rather original way indeed. Rouge snarls again while tossing another vase towards Shadow, but instead of letting the vase hit him, Shadow just charges at me and shoves me out!

I must admit, this was much scarier than the train. I should probably refrain from entering this room as long as those two psychos are in there. Wow, is it 1 PM already? I better see the other rooms. Hmm, let's see... roulette, arcade, and this one just says "stuff". The door in the center of this deck seems to lead to a lounge. There isn't anything much to see there aside from a counter with drinks, a sofa, and a large piano. Perhaps I could use this in one of the later chapters. I grab a card of... what seems to be a Davis Yuktopus, before heading out. This one is kind of rare.

And where does this door lead? I open it and see it has- Oh no, not her again!

"By my stuffed spirit, I don't believe you're actually setting foot in my room!" the pink fangirl giggles. "The famous actor, what an honor! Wait, hold on, I'll mark where you're standing and then I'll cut the carpet, and I'll take it home!"

I just enter the room without saying anything, feeling frustrated because of Amy's annoyance. But who knows? Maybe I can find another card or other valuable stuff. While searching, I accidentally made a stupid mistake when my mane suddenly rubbed Amy's shoulder.

"Wow, I can't believe it, you touched me!" she squealed happily. "Wait a sec, I'll note the hour so I could tattoo the date and hour on my belly later!"

This girl is crazy! I gotta do it quick before she starts scrambling my brains again! Hey, what's this? A wallet? And she left it on the drawer unguarded? What an idiot! I think I'll just... Yes, just to annoy her back! That'll teach her to waste my time!

"Hey, that's my wallet! Put it back in the drawer!" Amy exclaimed as I take her money from the wallet. "Woah, you've left nothing for me! Hey, you also took my grandfather's pensioner card!"

"Say thanks that I didn't take your grandfather!" I retorted. I see she has a laptop on her bed, but I've gotta at least leave one form of entertainment for herself. Therefore, let's see what she has in this closet over there.

"No no no, you can't open this closet! I have very important stuff in there!" Amy said in stress.

"Hey, hey, why are you so anxious about your privacy? Come on, let me peek! What else do I have to do here?" I respond and turn my attention to the closet again. "So what are you hiding there?" I add and open the closet. "Let's see... How many clothing sets did you bring here? What happened, did you rob a silk factory? It's all the same here! Pffffft, you have no idea in collections!"

All I found there was a duplicated set of silky provocative clothing. I can't believe I touched that. Oh wait, those provocative clothes are identical to the dress she's wearing now.

"Tell me you little puff pastry, why do you need this little metallic cylinder?" I mutter. "What is this, some sort of collapsible pole?"

"Wait a sec..." she tried to stop me.

"Wait schmait, I don't need this! Go choke yourself with your closet!" I respond and walk out. This chapter is already getting too long, I'll just end this with finding this card of Lemmy's Lemming and move along.

TO BE CONTINUED...

* * *

 **Please review and stay tuned for more!**


	5. A Safe and Too Many Sounds

The deck above this one only has the captain's room, so I won't bother going up there again. Instead, as I promised in the previous chapter, I'll head on to the basement. After grabbing a sandwich with pickled cabbage from the dining room, of course. You guys probably expected another chili-dog, but come on, I gotta diversify every once in a while.

Once in the basement, I see quite a short hallway with a very few doors. The floor is covered by a ruddy-brownish rug, and candlelit lamps hang near each door. I'll start with the door that's just on the left of me. I see Bunnie standing near the door and reading a book.

"This is the employees' room, only for me and Knuckles," she said. "Don't touch mah stuff."

I have no intention to stay here anyway. I'll just grab this card of a Linkin Koopa Parkatroopa and move on to the door on the right side. In this room, the rug is ruddier and there are also several shotguns, a metallic chair, a metallic table, an alarm, and – for some odd reason – a jail cell. Inside it sits yet another echidna, but this one was a female, and she was red with decorated dreadlocks, one of them was completely metal, though some others were surrounded with some metallic rings as well. She only wore black shoes and black cuffed pants, and her hands were tied with a black scanty straightjacket that revealed her entire belly. Why is she being kept here?

OK, she's staring at me now. I might as well try to talk to her.

"Look, I'm gonna ask you a simple question," I say to the echidna. "What's your name? But don't start whining about how hard it is for you and about the lousy conditions, because it doesn't interest me. I have enough problems in my head either way, I have tons of things in my head. Even more than tons, a thousand and one tons! Oh, blimey. So answer shortly, just your name and that's it."

"Lien-Da," the echidna answers.

"Lien-Da, Lien-Da what!? Come on, answer! What, do I need to get everything from you by force!? To feed you with a straw!?" I snap.

"I'm Lien-Da, daughter of Merin-Da, daughter of Regi-Na, daughter of Vera-Lo-"

"Stop it, stop it, I told you that none of your problems interest me!" I cut her off angrily. "Why are you spitting out all of your problems at me!? You keep thinking of how to take advantage of me all the time! For your information, I'm not a sucker!"

Lien-Da then looks at me in confusion, and then she looks down at my shoes before staring at my face again. "Are you done?" she asked nervously.

"If I bust you outta here, what will you give me?" I ask.

"A sticky sesame treat," she chuckles.

"I don't bother for a sesame treat," I mutter in response.

"Good," the echidna replied, "I don't have those anyway!"

"You criminal! Criminals like you should be buried and cast down from our society!" I glare at Lien-Da. "It serves your right sitting here, you deserve it! You should know that because of choleras like you, tourists don't come to Mobius! You're giving us a bad name, you should serve a life-sentence! So, what did you do, criminal?"

"If you had let me say just one sentence, I'd have explained to you that I'm insane and not a criminal," Lien-Da responded. "And I'm locked in here because I'm dangerous to the public!"

For some reason the alarm machine then started making strange robotic noises as the red light started glowing. "Now look what you've done!" Lien-Da shouted as Dr. "Kishke" Finitevus suddenly made his entrance.

"Tell me Kinderleh, do you think I have time for your Gescheft?" he mutters. "I have an important patient up there! Jazz Jackrabbit! He's a wicked wabbit, a hopeless case, he's dangerous to the public! That Klause Draufe waits for me to connect him to electricity electrodes!"

"Oh damn it, hell's bells, fuck it to hell, filth, zift! Jazz Jackrabbit you said!?" I startle. "I can't let him see me! Hide me, hide me! Put me in the jail cell, quick! Quick! Do me a favor! Oh no, here he comes!"

For some odd reason I couldn't find any proper places to hide, so I have no other choice but to curl into a ball and crouch right before this mean green hare makes his entrance. You're probably wondering why I'm hiding, but everything will be clear very shortly. Jazz is also an actor, and let's say we got into a little rivalry.

"Doctor, doctor, what is it with you?" he exclaimed. "Do you want me to outrage here, make a scene, or break your head!? You promised to connect me to the electro- well well well well well, whom am I seeing here? Sonic the Hedgehog!"

Ah crap, he found me! Well, I can't say I'm surprised. There he is, in the flesh, standing in front of me with a triumphant grin and in the full package – still wearing his red headband, and holding his large blue gun. No wonder he's in therapy, he actually looks like he's gonna kill me.

"Ah, oh, uh, hello Jazz..." I respond nervously. "What are you doing around? Uttering obscenities as usual? Awesome, awesome. OK, I won't stall myself. I need to get my car out of the garage, I have spaghetti on my stove, and it's the last day of my subscription to Aquae Calidae's pools. I'll be a sucker if I don't go there at least six times today!"

"If I'd known you knew this psycho, I wouldn't have come here," Jazz muttered. "I'm walking around in Carrotus one day in front of the sunset, and suddenly this rabid monster jumps out of the bushes towards me and bites my hand while shouting 'ENOUGH WITH THE CORRUPTION!'"

"Oh come on," I snapped, "I told you already that it was a mistake! I bit you because I was sure you were Bugs Bunny! I was expressing remonstrance against the commotion and corruption within Nobel Prize distributions! Did you know that back then I participated in the play Love and Peace in Pieces? I appeared in front of a mixed crowd of Mobians and Teensies. Do you think I received a Nobel Prize for peace!? I can answer that in fifteen different languages, for fuck's sake! They barely applauded, all five people in the crowd got up in the middle of the play and went out! If it had been just the Teensies, I'd have said 'Oh well, who gives a crap about those choleras!?' The thing is that the Mobian also got up and left! What kind of bastard is he!? Getting up in the middle of the play and leaving! Tell me, is it any wonder why I pushed him into a spiky pit?"

"But why did you eat my hand, damn it!?" Jazz glared. "I couldn't do any obscene expressions for months! I can't talk without this! I took a crash course in drawing and spoke with notes until I regained sense in my finger! Are you sane, and excuse me for that rhetorical question!? My entire acting ability has been soiled! How can I play a dramatic role in fan-fictions like this!? Nobody will take me seriously! What's wrong with you!? How is it possible to confuse me with Bugs Bunny!?"

"Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" I responded. "As if I only bit you! I had also bitten Roger Rabbit, Jessica Rabbit, Mr. Yum Yum, I just couldn't catch Bugs Bunny. I'd bitten Jack Rabbit as well, but that was for a different reason. I was quarantined for two years, but everything ended well. Eventually I got a job as a Rottweiler!"

"No way! You're kidding me!" replied Jazz. "Cerberus the Rottweiler? You guarded Tubelectric's steel factories!?"

"For two years!" I answered. "The third reservoir – that was me."

"Then what's wrong with you, don't you recognize me!?" the green hare responded. "I was the eagle owl from the second reservoir! Observation rounds and security around the Rocket Turtle's room, don't you remember me!?"

"The eagle owl, how are you? How's your chameleon friend? I heard he's become a freelance entrepreneur!" I said.

"Wait, wait, what's going on here!?" Lien-Da exclaimed. "I think I've gone mad! Aren't you Jazz Jackrabbit from Diamondus?" she snickered.

"She's insane, she's insane!" Jazz shouted as he, Finitevus, and I ran out of the room.

"Gewalt! She's gone crazy!" the psychiatrist shrieked. "She won't relax until she strips me down to the bone!"

I only pretended to scream. I guess this means I should check out the rest of the basement. There are three more doors – another one on the left, another one on the right, and the last one is just in the end of the hallway. I think I'll start with that.

Meh, it's only a safe. Well, not exactly. It has a few green sofas, a round carpet with a dollar sign on it, a small table with drink and a music tape, and two photos – one of a blimp and one of a ship. A few bells are hanging above the safe's door. The safe has a keyhole, for some odd reason. That dimwitted captain probably wasn't thinking of a better locking system. My key opens everything, so I can easily open it and see what's inside. Therefore, it's extremely tempting. But there must be a burglar alarm, so I'll open just a tad.

Ah, just a green Chaos Emerald. I don't need this. I'll just close the door, get a drink, and go out again. But first I'll see what kind of record is playing in this tape. Hmm, Rime of the Ancient Mariner. I like it. Kind of fitting for this atmosphere. At least there is one thing I can appreciate about Eggman. Oh wait, what's this? Is that a fruit cocktail? The one that Eggman had promised me in the morning? What a coincidence, it's 3 PM and that was the invitation hour. So that's two things I can appreciate about Eggman.

I'll just drink a glass of this cranberry juice here, take the cocktail with me, and move on to the door on the left side of the hallway. Ah, just a whole stock of beer barrels. And a long rope. What happens if I pull it? Aye, just some stupid honk. Oh, a card dropped off of it! What's this? The House of Fire Breather? Well, what can I say? That's what the card says! And what's that over there behind those barrels? Oh, it disappeared. Must be my imagination. Is it my drink, or is this ship already making me hallucinate? I should get out of this room.

I enter the door just in front of this room and see a- oh my, is that a hot tub!? Amazing! Finally some time for me to relax! There's even a diving board! Wait, a diving board in a Jacuzzi? Strange, but creative. I'll just jump in and relax. The water is really warm too. I'll just turn on the Jacuzzi function and enjoy myself. A hot tub and a fruit cocktail, that's the spot. Sonic's relaxing hour has begun...

 _ ***zzzzzzzz***_

* * *

 _ ***insert sounds of a burglar alarm here***_

Damn it, it sounds like an alarm of something important! It's written in the script that the safe is being broken. I'd better get out and see what it is. So I dry myself and enter the safe's room. The clock says it's 4 PM, and the script notes that there's always something interesting in 4 PM.

I see Rouge and Shadow actually trying to crack the safe's keyhole. Well, technically it's just Shadow banging a nail through the keyhole with a hammer and Rouge is just watching him fail. The nail then fell and Shadow almost banged his own finger. What a schlemiel.

"Rouge darling, if it's not too hard for you, could you make yourself useful and please hand over the screwdriver?" the black hedgehog muttered.

"Shadow honey, if I wanted to do something useful, I'd divorce you!" the bat snapped in response. "And how goes the work of breaking the safe?"

"Fine darling," Shadow glared, "while we're still waiting for the screwdriver!"

"That's too bad," Rouge chuckled, "I think we've left the screwdriver stuck inside your aunt, after she had invited us to her new house."

"Aaaaah, AH!"

I accidentally fell and shouted while eavesdropping to those two fools. The bad news is that they saw me.

"Ha ha ha ha ha, look darling, look who's here!" Shadow snickered. "If it isn't this sharp-tongued lunatic zero! How are you, dear?"

Just like everyone and every time, this jerk keeps annoying me just for the hell of it.

"I told you, stop with this 'dear' thing! I'm an actor, I've got whims!" I snapped. "And if you don't wanna see a whim bumping into your face, then stop!"

"Perhaps would you like to buy a pocket fan from me?" Shadow asked. "It's excellent for moods. Rouge, where is the same pocket fan which you tossed at your cousin Blanc? We could tear his head off from above his shoulder while we're at it."

"You sold it to the captain as a spare engine," Rouge answered, and then she turned to me. "It was nice knowing you, mister... the door is in the other way."

"Door schmoor, I'm someone who doesn't understand clues!" I boomed. "I'll just say something else now, that's how I feel like."

I did manage to startle them, that's a relief. I'll try distracting them with something.

"What are you playing? Night Field Training? I'm good at this!"

"We're not playing," Rouge muttered in annoyance, "my dear husband is trying his luck at breaking safes. Except that my husband does everything in a slightly infantile manner!"

Shadow then punched Rouge and snapped: "Darling, where is the same armchair which I had previously tossed on your head!? I'm interested in reusing it!"

Rouge slapped Shadow in response, and the two then just chuckle and start making out.

"You two are psychos! Did you know that!?" I roared. Damn, that's annoying! How do I make them stop? I must distract them somehow, and I think I know just the thing. It wasn't the smartest move, but... Well, do you know those moments when there's something that annoys you so much to the point that your sense of judgement simply gets depraved? This is one of them.

"Hold on a moment, why do you bother? I'll open the safe for you," I said. "I have a key that opens everything."

I knew that'd catch their attention. So I insert my key into the safe's keyhole and open it, thus revealing the Chaos Emerald inside it. And why wasn't it the smartest move? Because of this.

 _ ***insert more sounds of a burglar alarm here too***_

TO BE CONTINUED...

* * *

 **Author's note: The guest character, Jazz Jackrabbit, belongs to Epic Games. Some chapters will include guest characters outside of the Sonic franchise, and they play a minor yet interesting role in the story. Not much for the plot, but more for the extra humor. Anyways, please review and stay tuned for more!**


	6. To Catch a Thief! And a Headache

"WHOOOO called me a fruitcake!?"

Everyone knew that voice. The giant talking egg came rushing inside.

"Captain Eggman, what a pleasant surprise!" Rouge exclaimed.

"Who called me a fruitcake!? Wait a sec, wait a sec..." Eggman said and crouched for a moment. He then made a series of blinks before getting back up. "The vault has opened!? Oh dear, how did that happen?"

Wow, talk about a delay in understanding what's going on here. And then the most predictable thing happens.

"He opened it," Rouge said while pointing at me.

"We tried to stop him," Shadow added.

"But he's an actor," Rouge chuckled.

"He's got whims!" Shadow smirked, and he and his xanthippe of a wife started laughing at me. Well, you two are the ones with the tools so it's still score one for me, you simpletons. I could easily give them their moment of victory, but have I already mentioned that I've got whims? So here's one of them.

"Yes, I opened it! Not good!? Does anyone have any criticism!?" I snapped. "You know what I think you can do with your 'criticism'!"

"OK, OK, did I say anything?" Eggman responded, still seeming like he's completely disconnected from reality. "OK, leave it open to let some air inside. Just don't call me fruitcake next time."

Alright... he doesn't seem to mind. This actually gives me the opportunity to trick him. "The wind made it open!"

Eggman started scratching his head. "The wind... So hold on a second, I'll turn the ship around. The wind will come from the other side and will close the door," he said and left the room. He then came back after a few seconds. "Did it close? Damn it, I guess the wind stopped just now. Alright then, I'll just disconnect the alarm so it won't screech in my ear."

Eggman then takes a small remote and presses a button, which triggers a series of beeps. The rabbit cyborg then entered the room right afterwards and gasped.

"Holy empire of the clouds, what's goin' awn!? It's beepin' like ambulance lights, whew-whew-whewin' all the time!" she exclaimed. "Ah hear it and mah heart's beatin' boom boom boom and mah legs start runnin' really fast like a taxi, and Ah just find y'all here!"

"A MONSTER! FROM THE HOUSE COMMITTEE!" Eggman shrieked. "Get her away from me! Get her away from me! Get that long-eared monster from the house committee away from me!"

I must say this one was quite surprising, even for someone as insane as Eggman.

"Damn it, Ah'm Bunnie! Cleaner of the rooms!" the rabbit muttered. Honestly I almost forgot her name.

"Rooms? I don't remember having rooms in here," the captain muttered back.

"Ah heard an ambulance siren indicatin' there was a thief in here!" Bunnie declared.

"Wait wait wait, let me also say something!" I interrupt. Yes, I have that privilege. It's their problem if they can't deal with it. "Why don't you go clean the mirror in my room? I'm an actor, I like seeing myself in the mirror. OK, I finished. Hold on, what kind of ambulance?"

I don't know whether or not Bunnie was going to answer that, but before she could even think of answering, the know-it-all foxes make their way inside all of a sudden.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" Merlin snarled. "What is this hustle!? What is this bustle!? I have just taken Tails out to a tour on the deck, in hopes he might inhale some fresh CO2 to unload his energy! Tails, show this assembly of people how you unload your uncontrollable energy!"

"Like that, gentlemen," Tails said as he starts jumping and waving his hands and tails. "Like that, gentlemen," he repeated before he starts flying around by spinning his tails around.

"When all of a sudden," Merlin continues, "Tails started moving in asymmetrical orbits, stating that he heard some sort of siren-resembling sound, some kind of alarm!"

"Hello uncle, hello foreign entities," Tails says as he lands on the floor, "the thing is correct indeed. A metallic ringing sound, some sort of alarm, has been received into my ears."

"Ah also heard somethin' like an ambulance, rushin' like whew-whew-whew-whew-whew!" Bunnie replied.

"No," Tails responded, "it was some sort of 'Wii, Wii, Wii, Wii, Wii'-"

"Tails! That's enough!" Merlin boomed.

"What do you want from the kid? Let him beep as much as he wants!" I said. "When I was little, oh my, have you any idea how much I beeped? Endlessly!"

Delighted to hear this, Tails resumed: "Wii, Wii, Wii, Wii, Wii- ouch." Until Merlin punched him in the head. I didn't really expect Tails to keep on doing this, I just wanted to piss Merlin off. I guess the result wasn't quite what I expected.

"Tails, cease this void beeping!" Merlin raged. "Do not forget that a brilliant future in the world of science is expected for you! You cannot allow yourself to pass your time in this following common custom of vulgar beeping! What is the thing similar to? THE THING IS SIMILAR TO THE BEATING YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET FROM ME!"

"But uncle," Tails whimpered, "I beeped under an order of explanation which I had heard."

"Tails, this is enough! Thank you!" Merlin glared. "Today there is no silkworm operating for you!"

Now I pissed Tails off. He walks over to me, completely bummed and upset. He had better not do anything stupid. "Now look what you've done!" he said before sticking his tongue in front of me and kicking me in the leg.

OK, he asked for it. Don't say I didn't warn about my whims. Wanna see another one? Good.

"What is the meaning of this kick!? Why the fucking hell are you kicking me!?" I roared in rage and pulled out a gun, thus shocking everyone and leaving them all with their mouths wide open. Just don't ask me where I got this gun from. "The next time you touch me, I'LL MAKE YOU EAT LEAD, YOU CHOLERA!"

"Sonic, calm down, relax! Drink some water!" Bunnie said as Tails ran to hide behind his abusive uncle.

"What's wrong with all of you? Curse you people!" I snapped again, and this time I point my gun at Merlin. "You filth! How are you even educating your child!? Put a muzzle on his mouth!" I said and put my gun back in my pocket. "Why the hell are you startled all of a sudden!? I just pulled off a scene here, I'm an actor!"

Obviously this made everyone mutter in annoyance.

"Ah think the sugar ain't an actor but a thief who wants to steal the Chaos Emerald in the safe," Bunnie said. "But you sugah didn't know that the alarm is connected to an opening mechanism of a 12-headed 4K cylinder lock!"

My eyes widen. This is starting to get suspicious, and I don't like the sound of this. "How do _you_ know about the 12-headed lock?" I ask.

"Uh, Ah heard a bird chirpin' in mah ear," Bunnie answered nervously.

"And how do _you_ know about the Chaos Emerald?" I ask, glaring.

"Ah, how, how, how, how, and how! Ya better shut up or Ah'll put a rag in yer mouth, sugah!" Bunnie muttered.

"Hold on a sec, I remembered what you said! What do you mean I'm not an actor!? Look how I'm impersonating cement to you!" I said. "I'm cement and I think I'm getting pooooooooured!" I say while falling onto the floor slowly.

"Just a second here, I think I understood!" Eggman said as I got back on my feet. "One of you tried to break this thing open and... steal the, uh... what the monster from the house committee had said before!"

"Ah'm not from the house committee! Mah head is goin' crazy, it's gonna explode soon!" Bunnie snapped. "If Captain Sugah breaks mah head, he'll buy me a new one! If not, Ah'll break all the cups Ah've cleaned!"

"Cups!? Who wants to make coffee for me?" Eggman asked.

"Tails," I said, "if you're making coffee for him, make me a cheese and tuna sandwich."

"Uncle, please forgive me for this calamity," Tails said and kicked my leg again.

"OK, I wanna conclude what went on in here," Eggman said. "They tried to break the vault open, she came in, I joked around with her, and several jokes arose. Someone promised to make coffee for me, all in all it burned some of my time. Oh well, don't forget to close the vault when you exit."

"Don't worry dears, you can go," said Shadow.

"Yes, we'll close here," Rouge added as Eggman, Bunnie, Tails, and Merlin made their exit.

I then close the vault's door. "Fuck you two!" I snap and walk out.

* * *

No, this chapter isn't over yet. Like I said in the previous chapter, I could have sworn I saw something in the stock. I enter the room and shout: "Hey, is anybody in here?"

"Uh, there's nobody here," said a goofy voice.

"There is, there is, of course there is," said another voice.

"Hey you there, do I know you from the flight course?" said another.

"OK guys, you can come out now. Get out and go play some Squash, Solitaire, or some other kind of social games," I said.

The director suddenly comes in. "Hey, hey, Sonic, Sonic, stop that! Look what your text says!" he said angrily.

"What? I'm just having fun by bugging them," I responded.

"Listen up Sonic, my good man," the director muttered, "I'm building this scene, it's all built up on suspense, on thrill! You don't know who's there, so it's thrilling you. The whole dialogue is thrilling, because there's suspense, lack of knowledge, doubt, fear, terror, hysteria, animalistic curiosity, suspense, wait I already said that. You're with me, right Sonic? You understand where I'm going with this."

I then look at my text. "They're not coming out until the third day. I understand, I get it. It wasn't clear. OK, sorry Gray."

"It's OK Sonic," said the director, "you can get out of this room now."

OK, so I wasn't really supposed to be here after all. I think I'll make my way back to the lounge on the second floor and play the piano for a while. But first I'll grab another can of sweet corn from the dining room. This could definitely help me burn some time until 7 PM. The text says that I need to be in the lounge at 7 PM each day.

There are some note sheets on the piano, a collection of some cool and memorable songs. I'm gonna try playing some. Gray's got some nice taste, I won't deny. Hey, what's this? "My Land of Mobius"? Let's see... "The song will be played on the second night, please practice this song so there will be no embarrassments." I guess this means me. I've got no problems. You know, I'm a virtuoso.

And so I start playing. Hmm, kinda catchy. I could go on like this for hours.

* * *

Oh, it's 7 PM. People are starting to get in. There are Knuckles, Bunnie, Amy, Blaze, Tails, Merlin, Finitevus, Rouge, and Shadow. I get up to let them all be amazed by my appearance. Eventually the insane captain makes his appearance too.

"What, a surprise party!?" Eggman exclaimed. "I wasn't prepared, nobody told me anything, mwa ha ha ha!" Uh, hello? That's the thing about surprise parties! "Oh, here are all my friends from the nursery, here you are! I'm telling you, you're not fine! Who wants to lift me on the chair?"

"Captain," said Knuckles, "Knuckles the Echidna thinks, and if he thinks then he must be right, that perhaps you should explain to those people here a little about the ship."

"Oh well, if this is what you want to hear on my birthday," replied Eggman, "then fine, I don't care! Who can guess how many decks there are on this ship? You here, the one who looks like a fuzzy plum," he pointed at Blaze.

"I am not guessing without payment in advance!" the purple kitty snarled.

"Blaze, why are you causing scenes here?" I responded in attempt to annoy the fuzzy plum. "You've been asked a question, so answer."

"I do not answer without you exuding some of your rings!" Blaze glared. "I wish hardships and agonies would distress your life like an anti-pyrosis candy! And I wish a train would run you over too!"

"Ah, fuck you fuzzy plum! You've already taken too many of my rings!" I snapped. I guess I'll have to answer Eggman's question instead.

"I know, I know! Three with the roof!" I said.

"Three!?" Eggman shouted. "I thought there weren't any, give me a tour later. Wait a minute, wait a minute! So are there rooms here too? Mwa ha ha ha!"

"If we're speaking of questions, does anyone have a card of Ozzy's Bat?" I ask. "I have this card missing for my album of rocker animals."

"Dear, the chance has hit our heads!" Shadow chuckled. "I saw a bat flying above the deck a moment ago!"

"You're wrong honey," Rouge replied, "it must have been just a flying flea-bag which you have noticed, and I believe it happened to be Tails."

"Uncle, allow me to reply to them just desserts as a flowery saying," Tails demanded firmly.

"Tails, cease yourself from those vengeance matters!" Merlin responded even more firmly.

However, Tails didn't listen to his uncle. He just got off his chair and punched Rouge's face, causing her to scream as he returned to his chair, smiling triumphantly. Shadow just stood there and laughed before getting punched by Rouge. Then both sadistic psychos laugh and kiss each other.

"I want to introduce the ship's team to you," Eggman said. "I am Captain Eggman, but the mates call me Captain! And this is Knuckles, who..."

"Gewalt! He's not a ship's captain at all!" Finitevus gasped. Then everyone screams except for him and Eggman. And me, of course. I just pretended to scream.

"Ahhhhh! Great, release, take everything out!" Eggman shouted. "Great, great! On one side of me there's Knuckles! He, uh... he... he's down there! On my other side, there's, uh... she's... who are you?"

"Bunnie, Ah clean the rooms here," Bunnie replied. "Ah serve drinks in the bar, Ah serve drinks in the rooms, Ah serve drinks on the deck, mah head keeps boom-boom-boom-boom-boomin' like a mixer."

"Oh yes, yes! Now I remember! Bunnie, Bunnie..." Eggman laughed. "What else do we have here? Yes, on one side there's Knuckles the Echidna, he's down there and makes... noise. And this is, uh... this is, uh... Who are you? Who is this? On the other side there's Knuckles, and you already know me. This is Knuckles, awesome! Everyone knows everyone, it's good that we solved those problems in advance!"

"I didn't understand, who's the girl that's standing next to you?" I ask just to annoy Bunnie again. My attempt failed because of Merlin.

"Ahhhh!" he started. "My time is not a trivial thing that should be toyed with, as if it were a badminton that makes its way in a disgustingly slow manner against the wind's breeze. What is the thing similar to? The thing is similar to Bubsy the Bobcat, who would spend his entire life in mockery, until a stroke had stricken him and passed him away from this world, like the same badminton which makes its way in a disgustingly slow manner against the wind's breeze. What is the thing similar to? The thing is similar to the same bobcat named Bubsy! Who-"

"Uncle, uncle!" Tails interrupted. "Your thoughts are running in endless circles! Even the Hang Castle has been surrounded only seven times, and even the Egg Golem has exited the circle which he had drawn! And if you do not cease yourself, we shall spend our time here for eternity! And an eternity is too long for the majority of the people here! Even though I in enthusiastic and unstoppable happiness would set up my tent before your feet and listen very attentively to the same concentric circles, until Gregg the Grim Reaper comes over and plucks me into the Underworld!"

Sometime during the end of the eternity part of Tails' extremely boring speech, Knuckles ran out of the lounge and shouted: "STOOOOOOOOP! I can't take it anymore! Enough! How much do they talk!? They've drilled my brain completely! My head's been screwed! Fucking damn it, what do you want from me!? I can't take it anymore!"

We all got bored very quickly, and Dr. Finitevus has fallen asleep.

"What should I do?" Merlin boomed. "It would be an irresponsible deed of me to abandon the same badminton, which makes its way against the wind's breeze. And what would be of our bobcat Bubsy? Would I abandon him for void life which is empty of any mathematical value and scientific explanation?"

"Uncle, perhaps could we turn the increasing acceleration of the same badminton as an own-teaching a bit by sixty?" Tails asked.

"The ballistics rules will not allow me to make such assumptions about the same reckless ball," Merlin snapped, "without staining my conscience until the end of time!"

"ENOUGH!" Finitevus snapped and took out his knife. "Der Haifisch der hat Tränen, our time is short!"

 _ ***insert sounds of a burglar alarm here once again***_

"Ah, finally something's happening here," I sighed in relief, "all this blabbering by Tails had completely dried me out! I mean, alert! Alert! Listen everyone, alert! Blaze, the nylons! Tails, the tape! You know what I'm talking about! Where's my mask!? Who's the dickwad that took my mask!?"

Of course I was just showing off my supreme acting skills.

"Quick! Someone's trying to break the vault open!" Rouge and Shadow shouted as everyone went out.

"Why are you bypassing me!?" I scream as I follow everyone. Dr. Finitevus is in the lead, still with his knife in his hand. We all made our way to the vault, only to find out that the Chaos Emerald has been stolen!

"What!? A surprise party?" Eggman reuses that unfunny joke. "I wasn't prepared, nobody told me..." See what I mean?

"Save us, save us! We are all moving in concentric circles!" Tails exclaimed. "Soon my dear uncle will aromatize us again with the same phenomenal anecdote about Bubsy and the badminton!"

"It reminds me of my uncle," said Rouge.

"To hell with your uncle," Shadow snapped, "someone stole the energy imposer!"

"Shadow is perceptive," the bat muttered.

"Shut up, bitch!" Shadow growled.

"Don't tell me to shut up, stripy!" Rouge glared.

"But who could it be?" Blaze asked. "We were all up there! We were all hearing the same stinking anecdote with Bubsy and the cat-feather!"

"Not just the anecdote stinks, you all stink!" I snap. "Not all of us were up there! Duke Nukem wasn't there!"

"Not all of us were up there the whole time, Knuckles the Echidna went out at some point!" Amy said.

"Woah Amy, I see they finally let you shove up a line! It wasn't even funny," I smirk sarcastically at the pink fangirl.

"Sonic, you've gotta embolden me in the management, otherwise I will never get any catchphrases!" Amy replied.

"Missy, nobody is emboldened in this country," I respond. "By the way, did you see what they wrote about me?"

"The brat is right!" Blaze exclaimed. "Knuckles the Echidna broke the vault open while we were all up there."

"Wait a minute!" Eggman interrupted. "Let me get this straight. You're all from the house committee and you came to borrow a cup of sugar from me. OK, I'll see if I have any left. If I don't return within five minutes, inform me," he concluded and left the room.

"My kishke thinks it's time to pass on a satisfaction questionnaire from the captain," Finitevus said.

"What, a surprise party for me?" Eggman said as he came back. Damn it, that's the third time! "Nobody told me. Give me those surprise bags, give me two and hold on, How much sugar? Yes, sugar. What? A birthday? Nobody told me! No no no, nobody told me! Not even a word! OK, OK, I prefer brown sugar!"

"Come on you guys, be people! Let's go to sleep, and tomorrow morning you'll see that everything is fine!" I sigh, exhausted. "We'll find the thief tomorrow, now sleep!"

"The bacterium is right!" Merlin said. "We indeed scatter our efforts for null! Tails, the statistic data!"

"Hello uncle, hello bacteria!" Tails said. "Here is the statistic data which I had written as part of my current duty for my uncle. Here are the resources that went down the drain: twenty-four footsteps..."

AND let's cut this off this _totally interesting_ speech here as we all run out of the vault.

"Tell us when the book comes out," Rouge said.

"OK, OK, go!" Eggman snapped. "What, am I holding you here in chains!? Have I stood on somebody's foot!? Have I told anyone not to leave!? Wait, fruit cocktail is coming soon! If you don't wanna celebrate my birthday, you don't have to! You'll be waiting for me at the turn!"

I apologize for this chapter's extreme length (it was Tails' fault!), I promise something interesting will happen in the next.

TO BE CONTINUED...

* * *

 **Please review and stay tuned for more!**


	7. Wheel of Misfortune or Circle of Death

Finally I was able to get some sleep after this whole mess. In contrary to what I had expected, the bed was actually very comfy, to the point of if woken up, anyone who slept on it would have to unleash a series of serious whims, and not just me. I'm an actor, I need those sleeps to stay fresh and to keep my career in shape. Moreover, I promised that something interesting would happen in this chapter. But then again, judging by what was happening in the past few chapters (or from the beginning of this story, to be more exact), I learned that I should be careful what I wish for.

 _ ***insert a bunch of brief boom sounds here***_

"What is it, what is it!? Kibinimat, what's going on!?"

More shenanigans, I suppose. Shortly after those booms, I could also hear some aggressive splashing. I run out of my room, still in my pajamas, towards where the sounds were coming from – the engine room. The clock says 2:00 AM, but I'm not surprised to find myself out there in those hours. I feel like something mind-scarring is going to happen. More than once.

"The engine! Something happened with the engine!"

This is what I managed to exclaim to myself when the only thing I found here was Knuckles' hat lying there with no explanation whatsoever. I couldn't tell whether or not anything with the machinery was damaged, because it's one of the last things I understand.

Soon Bunnie came in.

"Aw, what is this noise Ah was hearin'!? Brrrrr, like a broken mixer!" she gasped. Her strange statement was then followed by the arrival of the fox nerds.

"Hello uncle, hello creatures of the night," said Tails. "Indeed my ear has received an ear-deafening noise, as the noise of a sodium tincture that reaches a boil of 37 degrees Celsius."

"After we've dissolved the glutamate from the tincture, Tails," Merlin responded to him. Apparently he was sleeping with his usual clothing, while his mutated nephew was wearing strange matching clothes with mathematical formulas scribbled all over. Bunnie didn't change her clothes either.

The sadistic psychos soon made their entrance as well. Shadow was dressed in a crimson-colored robe, while Rouge was dressed in a bizarre nightgown which was poorly cut to expose her entire front side, with the exception of her private parts. I can only assume she loves being stared at, which doesn't surprise me.

"By my wife's aunt, ha ha ha! Here's a hat! Perhaps does anyone want to buy it from me?" Shadow chuckled. That's indeed a strange way to declare possession of something that doesn't belong to you.

Amy, Blaze, and Dr. Finitevus also made their way to the engine room. Blaze and Finitevus still had their regular clothing, but Amy was dressed in a white midriff-baring undershirt and a green miniskirt.

"Lamp-oil and bombs, Ryan McCombs!" Blaze gasped. "It is the force of Ripto in his glory! Here he is already flying towards us with his nails, and he shalt placeth us on the roof of Winter Tundra! At least this is what my Sol Emerald says."

Now it's my turn to say something nonsensical. That's how I am, I'm an actor.

"Toss me into boiling grease and call me a French fry if this isn't Knuckles the Echidna's hat! You know what they say, the thief burns underneath every hat."

My odd comment made everyone say random stuff, even though the only thing I could understand from this rabble was Merlin muttering "Why are you wasting my time? Why are you wasting my time!?"

All this "rabble, rabble, rabble" continued until Eggman came and silenced everyone.

"Hold it, hold it! Silence, silence! Let me check something!" he said and bended over for a second towards Knuckles' hat, before getting up again.

"YES!" he yelled. "It's my first time succeeding in crouching to the floor without bending my knees! Let's see you do it! Who wants a competition? Mwa ha ha! I want!"

"Oh, hold yer horses! This really is Knuckles the Echidna's hat!" Bunnie exclaimed.

"Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" I ask Eggman. "In kindergarten I would bend over to the tiles without budging a ring-finger! And since you asked, then you should know that my kindergartener Krystal has always told me that I'm so flexible that I could serve as a spring in a high-tech factory. But nowadays, if you're not a cockroach, nobody talks to you!"

"My entire life I wanted to be a shiny orange cone of VLC media player," Amy giggled.

"I remember dreaming of being the number 2 on a Bezeq public phone," Finitevus added.

"Ladies and gentlemen, what does this have to do with this case? Nothing! We are not making any sense! Let's just call Knuckles the Echidna, ask him if he lost a hat, and get back to sleep already!" I snapped.

"Bravo, bravo!" Shadow muttered. "Sign here, and here, and here, and I'm getting you all in a single-engine plane to Buttville, and sending you to the bottom of the spike pit with your lousy fiasco!"

"Maybe Knuckles the Echidna is hiding under the hat?" Eggman suddenly suggested. I wanted to remain angry at Shadow, but Eggman made me laugh with that comment as he crouched towards Knuckles' hat again.

"Knuckles, are you there?" he called. Then he got up and said: "Well, he's a little shy." Seriously, that's the last thing I'd say about Knuckles. "Hey you, Pikachu! Come out!"

"Hey you, Pikachu? That's a different game," Amy replied.

Eggman then picked up Knuckles' hat. "Knuckles, get out of here now, immediately! I have no spare time for your games!" Eggman said before putting the hat back down on the floor. I guess he wasn't taking this oddity seriously after all. For a moment I thought he was sick or something.

"Guys, I have a huge puzzle in my room of two Siamese cats, 2,000 pieces," he continued. "I've been taking my eyes out on it. Who wants to come and help me?"

"That's odd! I have a 4-piece puzzle in my room of the Turtle Mafia," Finitevus suddenly responded. "And up to this day I've been boggling my mind on it, and my kishke."

"The sleep quota of a living metabolism from the mammal family, implying that it is a mature being," explained Merlin. "This implies, Tails, that it is between 6 and 8 hours and at night. Any deviation from the aforementioned sleep scope will cause a long-term neural volatility in the behavior of Tails, who is not used to being in a wakeful state of matter after 7 o'clock! Here, observe! Watch how he commences!"

We all starts looking confused at Tails as he starts spinning his tails around and marching in place. "Hello uncle, morning, night creatures!" the living headache exclaimed insanely. "I am Tails, a little celery! On February 29th I shall be celebrating 18 years and 2 days of age! Joy and happiness in Mobius cities! Daughters of Mobius shall come out dancing!"

"I suggest that all of us split up to a group of 8 and search for him in the ship's sterns, where the wheel is," I said. "Don't ask how I know this, because until I answer, the spirit exits!"

However, I can answer you this question. I noticed that there was a large window showing the horizon, and water drops were falling down. But some of them were darker than usual. This seemed very suspicious. Therefore, I figured out that this should be the first place to search for him.

And so we all exit the engine room and walk towards the sterns of the ship...

Only to find Knuckles lying dead inside the wheel.

I knew it, I just fucking knew it. It is not necessary to peek at the script to figure out that Knuckles was scheduled to die.

"He's here on the wheel!" Bunnie gasped in shock. "Spinning around like a carousel, like a Ferris Wheel!"

"Holy moly, Buddy Holly!" Blaze exclaimed. "You bunch of ugly monsters, don't you see!? Ripto has already lifted up the soul of this deceased! What shalt happeneth to us all!?"

"That's not the question. What you need to ask yourselves is who murdered Knuckles the Echidna."

A lot of crazy stuff has been happening to me in this cruise, but a talking corpse!? Yes, a talking corpse! Even after death, Knuckles actually talked to us! Once again, everyone was surprised, except for me. I'm just trying to blend in with you and the rest of the crowd.

Knuckles just said he was murdered, so should I be scared? What I need to ask myself is why I even asked that question, because the description of the story already states that there's a "mysterious" murder on the ship! So yes, I'm scared as hell!

"He's alive!" Blaze gasped.

"You dumbass, he's dead!" I snapped at her. "There are some people who talk after death!"

"Who told you this poppycock!?" Merlin suddenly blurted.

"Shut up, don't argue with me!" I responded.

"CHOLERA! I shall not tolerate nonsense!" the headache's uncle boomed.

"Enough! Enough! Enough! Let us hear already!" Amy interrupted. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to barge in."

"Well, Knuckles the Echidna was busy operating this tub," Knuckles' corpse explained, "and if I may note, and I may indeed, very skillfully. Until all of a sudden, someone had emerged behind him and FLAGRANTLY bashed his vertex. The next thing that happens is that Knuckles the Echidna faints, and several minutes later, Knuckles the Echidna wakes up and finds himself dead on this wheel."

Yep, that makes perfect sense. If there's something I should have known since the first chapter, it's that nothing is supposed to make sense in this story. The fact that I'm aware that it's a story is already a clear enough hint. However, what I need to ask myself right now is the following:

"But who did that, who did that!?"

"That's not the question," Knuckles responded. "What you need to ask yourself is if Knuckles the Echidna saw who did that, and the answer is no. He did not."

Anger inside builds within my body once again after that useless response.

"Well, get him off the wheel! Why can't anyone help!?" I snapped. "So you just don't give two shits about anything that doesn't regard your own wallet, is that how it is!? Bunnie, can't you move yourself here!?"

"Ah actually can move mahself," the rabbit responded. "Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!" she chanted while dancing in place. Just to make her stop, I push her backwards, causing her to gasp. I accidentally pushed her on Merlin, and this prompted Tails to come over and kick me again.

"Daughters of Mobius, come out and dance!" he declared.

"Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!" Bunnie chanted and danced again for a while.

I guess Tails was being turned on by this. Raging hormones, I can forgive him for that. OK, back to the dead Knuckles. I'm gonna be serious now.

"Knuckles, I'm taking your hat as a clue to solve the mystery," I said. "I need it, I'm an actor. You know, I need a varied cloakroom and accessories."

"Take it, I've finished my job here," Knuckles replied. "Gray! Order a taxi for me, I'm going."

"What a terrible mystery! The entire reputation of my ship will be soiled!" Eggman exclaimed. "Who's up for completing a puzzle?"

"Wait," Amy interrupted again, "why don't we let Sonic solve the mystery? Yo, he's the champion of mysteries! The champion of the champions! He's a cult, a cult I tell ya!" She then bowed down before me twice.

"I am not a detective! The fact that I played a detective in an exemplary manner only testifies my acting skills! So don't open your mouth, you might give them ideas! Sonic does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and right now I WANT TO BEAT THE LIVING HELL OUT OF YOU!" I roared and knocked Amy to the floor.

"Amazing, you were chosen!" Eggman chuckled. "And make me some herbal tea as well!"

"Why me!? Why me!?" I boomed. "You sit all day and warm up your seats, and only I need to run around here! And now you force another case on me!? Kibinimat! Gray, look, it's... Gray, listen, it's unbelievable! You're not fine! This isn't OK!"

My complaints didn't help. At least I can finally return to sleeping again now. However, barely an hour passes, and suddenly this is what I get.

* * *

 _ ***insert motorcycle sounds here***_

"Is the rope tightened, honey?"

"Step on the gas, darling!"

I wake up to find Rouge and Shadow driving a motorcycle and holding a rope which is tied around... me.

"Hey wait a minute, what are you doing!?" I shout as the psychos drive all the way to the top deck while ignoring my shouts. Shadow then gets off and walks towards the edge while dragging me by the leg. Damn, those two are much crazier than I thought!

"Dear, I hope we didn't wake you up," Shadow snickered as he held me over the edge of the deck, as if he was threatening to drop me down towards my death, "Undernet forbid, it's just that my wife and I had a little argument."

"My dear husband claims that you don't have the Chaos Emerald, and I actually claim that you do," Rouge smirked. "Do you have any suggestion how to save Shadow and me a deadly argument?"

"So we'd both be satisfied?" Shadow continued while shaking me over the edge.

"And you should make sure we're both satisfied," Rouge concluded.

"As if I give a fuck about your satisfaction!" I snapped. "Get me back in bed before I start screaming!"

"If you start screaming here, you will keep screaming all the way down!" Shadow glared.

"Well, I won't," I replied nonchalantly.

This is simply another one of these situations when my sense of judgement is depraved, and this one is justified for a change, because I'm hanging upside-down and my life is at stake, and it's impossible to think straight when those two lunatics are glaring at me like this!

"Damn, I didn't know it's permissible to board motorcycles on the deck!" I suddenly blurted. "Man, if I'd known, I'd have gotten a license, bought one, and put it here on the deck."

"Damn it Rouge, how much is he talking!? My hand is starting to hurt," Shadow muttered, shaking me again.

"You had better tell us where you hid the Chaos Emerald," Rouge said in a seductive tone while walking towards Shadow, "my husband is very ticklish."

The perverted bat then takes out a feather and starts tickling Shadow, and they both laugh while the latter keeps shaking me in the air and almost causing me to throw up. This is really getting on my nerves.

"If you put me down just for a second I'll kick your ass!" I shouted angrily.

Surprisingly, Shadow indeed puts me back on the deck, and both he and his whorish winged wife start glaring at me again. My eyes move back and forth between Rouge and Shadow, and I realized this situation was even scarier. I had only one choice left.

"OK, put me back there."

Shadow grins and holds me and above the edge again. "I knew you had no courage! I knew you had no courage!" I shouted at him, but he shook me again.

"The next time Shadow lets go of you, it won't be just for a second! Where is the Chaos Emerald!?" Rouge growled. I seriously don't know how to answer that. They could have seen for themselves that I wasn't interested in that stupid emerald, nor was I the first to arrive when the vault was broken. Because they're too dumb to understand that (or maybe just Rouge, because she stated that Shadow didn't think I had the emerald), I'm going to say something irrelevant.

"Wait, but if I want to board a motorcycle on the deck, is there a special tax?" I asked. "It's just, I've been thinking about doing this long ago, but I didn't know if it would be worthwhile for me in terms of costs. No no no, I'll tell you... I'll tell you, I just thought that... no, you see, I just feared that there was some special tax, I'll tell you, I don't need this brain-scrambling, I'll go by foot. I mean, how many decks are there in this ship anyway? I'm rational, huh?"

"This is the last thing I would say about you," muttered Shadow.

"Then perhaps you should say that and we'll go, Shadow!" Rouge responded to him, finally getting it through her thick skull that I don't have the Chaos Emerald.

"Listen, he's a rational guy!" Shadow chuckled and dropped me.

I just scream until I fall all the way to the bottom deck. Now all I have left is to just crawl all the way back to my bed. It's already past 3 AM and I barely have any time to sleep. I just hope the other nights won't be as bad as this one.

* * *

 _ **Day 2**_

 _ ***insert sounds of door-knocks here***_

"What, what, who is it!?" I mutter in my sleep.

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos!"

Just when the last word was shouted, the door suddenly opened and I see Amy grinning playfully at me as she enters my room without any permission whatsoever. I just stayed in my bed as I watched her.

"Sonic, Sonic, it's me!" Amy giggled. "How is my impersonation of Raven?"

I looked at the clock and saw it was only 8 AM, and then I just tossed a pillow at Amy. How does she dare to wake me up in that hour!? Doesn't she know that actors don't wake up before 11 AM!? And her impersonation was even worse than Knuckles' impersonations in the second chapter! So what does Amy get? This!

"Traditional Armenian song!" I exclaimed and started singing and dancing. _"Wake up! Grab a brush and put a little makeup! Hide the scars to fade away the shake up! Why'd you leave the keys up on the table? Here you go create another fable! You wanted to! Grab a brush and put a little makeup! You wanted to! Hide the scars to fade away the shake up! You wanted to! Why'd you leave the keys up on the table? You wanted to! I don't think you truuuuuuust, iiiiiiiin, myyyyyyyy, self-righteous suiciiiiiiiiide, Iiiiiiiiii, cryyyyyyyy, when angels deserve to die, die, die, die, diediedie die-die-die-die! DIE!"_

Amy became speechless by my spectacular performance. This only means I managed to amaze her and show her who the boss is around here.

"Anyways," she said in attempt to hide her extreme amazement, "I am ready and steady to go out on an investigation! To discover secrets, intrigues, and vile scams, to unveil the dark side of humanity, to dabble in the waters of the public's filth, to sink in the humane gutter up to the neck!"

Only then did I notice that Amy was carrying a large picnic box. She put it down on the floor and continued: "I brought a canteen, I brought a thermos of hot juice and plastic cups, I brought shoes for hiking, I have a finjan, a small gas burner, a machete, rappelling pegs, a bungee rope, and a Hyrulian tambour to form the team! Come on, let's go!"

First she wakes me up so insolently, and then she has the nerves to drag me into a pointless hike around the ship against my will!? She has made me very angry.

Very angry indeed.

"What let's go, what let's go!? Search for someone else!" I snapped. "I ain't moving myself for anybody! What, am I supposed to wander aimlessly around the entire ship!? 'Excuse me sir, I wanna ask you a question, where have you been, what have you been doing, what was the nature of your relations with?' No with the genetivus absolutus and with stress on the N! Go alone, Amy!"

"Playing Trivia, eh?" Eggman suddenly came in.

"Sonic the Hedgehog doesn't want to come with me to solve the mystery," Amy told him. If I hadn't known better, I'd have thought that she and Eggman had planned this.

"What are you saying!? I didn't know that you're an insurance agent!" Eggman responded. "Do me a favor, give me something to eat."

Eggman then proceeded to purposely fall on the floor. "Wait a minute, wait a minute, don't you know who I am? I'm an actor! I appeared in the Megacon Festival! I was performing impersonations of Heat Man's flamethrowers! I appeared in Sargasso as a tile in the kids' play Super Smash Bros. School-fight!" I said.

Eggman then got up. "What are you saying!? I didn't know that you're an insurance agent! Do me a favor, give me something to eat," he repeated and fell back down again. I almost forgot that repeating unfunny jokes is one of his running gags.

"I'm not doing any investigation until you talk to my impresario Samus Aran!" I snapped. "Set up all the numbers between yourselves."

Eggman then got up again. "Here in our navy there are very stiff rules for those who do not fulfill orders!" he boomed. "I will pinch your ear!"

The crazy fat man takes a pair of pliers and starts chasing me around my room! "Hiya, hiya! Come back here! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Samus, Samus! I'm being beaten!" I shouted as I ran from him. Damn, this is worse than Dr. Kishke Finitevus' chase back in the first chapter! "I'm being assaulted!"

Luckily Eggman bumped against my TV and fell on the floor again. "OK, OK, I'll go with you! Just don't leave me with this cake of fruit!" I said to Amy in exhaustion.

"Yippee!" Amy cheered and exited my room. She then takes out a small Hyrulian tambour and starts playing it and singing: _"Someday you'll see things my way, 'cause you never know, no you never know, when you're gonna go!"_

I then get out of my room as well and take out my sunglasses. And so I go on an investigation against my will, accompanied with someone I never wanted to meet.

TO BE CONTINUED...

* * *

 **Author's note: And so the first day finally ended, and the second one started. So, after each day ends, I will ask those questions: Who do you think the mysterious murderer is? And whom do you think is going to be murdered next? Feel free to answer in your reviews. Anyways, please review and stay tuned for more!**


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